Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Asexual Limbo

I've been thinking a lot lately about asexuality.org and my involvement in it (thinking is a hobby of mine and, like most hobbies, I enjoy it whether or not I am good at it). Lately I have started to wonder if I really belong there, since I don't seem to fit in with the views of many of my fellow members. I don't mean the political or religious views they hold, I mean their views of sexuality.

There are a few reasons why I feel the adjective asexual fits me. Firstly, I don't experience sexual attraction. I do have an opinion of who or what is pretty though. Almost every time I leave the house I see someone about whom I think, wow, she's pretty! However, that feeling stays in whatever part of my brain is responsible for aesthetics and somehow doesn't ever find its way to the part responsible for sexual arousal.

Another thing that makes me think I'm asexual is the word sexy. Will someone please explain this concept to me? I have looked it up in the dictionary several times and, although the definition is written in plain English, it does not make sense to me. Sexually attractive? Sexually appealing? These are concepts that I do not understand no matter how hard I try.

Now comes the part that makes my relationship to the asexual community a bit fuzzy. So many people there talk about being grossed out by sex or feeling that it is too prevalent in our society. This is also something I do not understand. I don't find sexuality offensive or disgusting in any way. There are times when I think it is overemphasized or it gets a bit silly but those times are infrequent.

Another thing that muddies the water for me is the fact that my body does respond to some sexual stimulus. To be quite frank, I can get aroused, even horny. I also have the ability to perform sexual acts and don't even find them distasteful.

So here is my dilemma: I fit the definition of asexual as a sexual orientation, yet I have nothing against sex itself. If I married a woman who was sexual I would have no qualms about having sex with her. And if I married one who was asexual I would be content to never have sex with her at all. So, where do I fit into this whole thing? I'll let you know right after I decide if it really matters.

6 comments:

kt8 said...

Completely agree with you on that front!

Sexual, just not interested, and therefore, asexual.

Anonymous said...

I too don't feel exactly comfortable on the asexual blogs I've visited. I don't feel that I am an "asexual," but like you, identify with the adjective. I think part of the revulsion towards sex expressed by asexuals is a natural defensive or protective measure taken in response to a culture that assumes that being normal and healthy equates to having a sex drive. I can watch the mating habits of different species with no revulsion, but when it comes to human sexual patterns, I do often find it absurdist, sometimes even ludicrous. This must be a defense mechanism on my part.

I used to love sex and enjoyed it very much, but have come to grow so disassociated from it that traditional dating no longer is an easy option for me. My easiest boyfriend experience the past year was with a friend with whom I played card games and guitar. Since he too seemed absolutely uninterested in sex, we seemed a good match. Unfortunately, he drank too much, so now I am seeking other relationships. Yet I always end up asking myself: why?

I have thought that as a woman I couldn't be stranger, in the sense that I don't like sex any longer, and just about all the women friends I know like it a lot. I would still love to meet a man who could awaken that part of me that was once sexual. But if there is no sexual drive, it's hard to move into sexual patterns. It's almost as if I am operating in a completely different universe, with different rules and expectations, and in order to survive, I will need to fake it, or just pretend that I feel something I don't feel.

Anyway, to sum up, like you I don't have anything against sex per se, and could easily "put out" if I were with a sexual man whom I loved, who inspired and loved me. But to do this easily, I would need to feel sexual attraction. That's the hardest part. Feeling that initial sexual attraction. Perhaps if I loved someone enough, the sexual attraction would necessarily stem from the love. I can only hope so.

Nika said...

I think it might be a repulsed-A vs. indifferent-A kind of deal. I'm indifferent towards the idea of sex and I identify as asexual. So even though most AVENites are repulsed-A, there is still a place for us indifferent-A's. Although I can understand why you might have a hard time with overall attitudes in the AVEN community.

Chris said...

Actually most AVENites are indifferent-A's -- it's the repulsed-A's that are in the minority.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=2535

brttnyala said...

I'm totally in limbo here,
I don't experience sexual attraction in the sense that I don't see people and start blushing or feeling all giddy.
I do understand aestetics of apperence...I'm not retarded, nor was a raised under a moon rock.

Sex is pretty low on my todem pole of things im driven to do.
I am not repulsed by sex, it doesnt perturb me, but at the same time a lack the typical sexual inclination that most people seem to possess.

I am not Aromantic, and the idea that I could love a sexual person and eventaully have sex with them isn't particularlly horrific, or intriguing.

I am capable of getting aroused.

I have no imediate or forseeable need for sex. I see intamacy as completely different then sex, but feel no imediate need for that either.

I see Hetrosexual and homosexual as gender preferences...only one componets of sexuality...I understand that "sexual" being in the word sexual motivation is assuemed...and isnt a questoin as sexual people are an overwhelming majority.

I sex the adjective asexual as a indifference towards sexual involvement, I think by no means does it give specific attitudes or inclintations on the subject.

Anonymous said...

some asexuals are fine with sex, just don't want to do it, or feel the need to. others, myself included, are kinda grossed out by sex. I guess even 1% of the population can have differentials like that.