Six years ago I decided to come out of the pantry and join the community of openly asexual people. It has been a weird, wonderful and sometimes painful ride. And I'm still hanging in there and hanging out on the site.
The weird: Do I really need to go into this part? Asexuals in general are strange people. Seriously. First of all, we sit around griping about what some people seem to think is the most awesome thing ever. Sex is everywhere these days. It's in our magazines, on our TVs and radios, in most of our movies. It's so overdone. And with all that some people still go online and consume mass quantities of porn. Clearly, we're the weird ones.
And what's with the cat obsession? They're cute and furry and warm and all that but… wow!
In fact, I don't think I've met any asexuals who weren't weird or even downright bizarre. The asexy life is spicy.
The wonderful: I have met many people through AVEN to whom I've become close. I've even traveled across the country to meet with some of them. In November 2006 I flew to NYC and met up with eight other AVENites, seven of whom I had never met before. And, as of this writing, I have met around 30 people in person who identify as asexual.
And then there are the people I've met only online. They're great people and I want to meet them in person but the opportunity hasn't presented itself. If it did I would definitely take it. But, since it hasn't I have to be content hanging out with them in the chat room. C'est la vie… or something.
The painful: Most of the people I have met on AVEN no longer hang out there. Online friends sometimes feel as important to me as my offline friends, but they too come and go. I've lost count of how many people I've met on the site over the years who have stopped coming there. Those I talked to in the chat room I especially miss.
And there are also the romantic (or, in some case, pseudo-romantic) relationships I've had with other asexuals. None of them have worked out. Sometimes that was my fault and sometimes it wasn't but it still hurt every time to say good-bye.
With everything I've learned there about other people and about myself I am grateful to AVEN and its creator, David Jay, for the opportunity to explore this facet of my being. And I look forward to many years to come.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wedding Night
The flower petals floated gently in the summer breeze and settled around her feet and in the lace of her veil. She smiled wryly and lifted the veil to kiss me. It was the sweetest kiss of my life, knowing that it would be the first of many in our life together. It was a day I would never forgot, and the best was yet to come.
We held hands as we fled the reception with its cheering guests and climbed into the waiting limousine. We looked at each other and laughed as we settled into our seats in the back together. We were dizzy with the excitement of the day, and the night that lay ahead.
The sun was setting as we reached the hotel parking lot. The orange and pink streaks of clouds lit up the western sky and made the air around us glow as we walked slowly to the front door, still holding hands. The elevator ride to our floor seemed the longest I had ever known in my life. I was life a kid waiting for Christmas morning.
Inside the room she turned to me and smiled. "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable," she said as she turned and walked into the lavatory. The line was a bit cliche but I still liked it. I changed out of my tux in the room and waited for her to come out.
As she opened the door I looked up and watched her cross the room to the bed where I was waiting. She looked at me and smiled again and I handed her the other controller. "We'll save the princess this time," I said.
We held hands as we fled the reception with its cheering guests and climbed into the waiting limousine. We looked at each other and laughed as we settled into our seats in the back together. We were dizzy with the excitement of the day, and the night that lay ahead.
The sun was setting as we reached the hotel parking lot. The orange and pink streaks of clouds lit up the western sky and made the air around us glow as we walked slowly to the front door, still holding hands. The elevator ride to our floor seemed the longest I had ever known in my life. I was life a kid waiting for Christmas morning.
Inside the room she turned to me and smiled. "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable," she said as she turned and walked into the lavatory. The line was a bit cliche but I still liked it. I changed out of my tux in the room and waited for her to come out.
As she opened the door I looked up and watched her cross the room to the bed where I was waiting. She looked at me and smiled again and I handed her the other controller. "We'll save the princess this time," I said.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Star Trek (2009)
STARRING:
Chris Pine
Zachary Quinto
Karl Urban
Zoe Saldana
Simon Pegg
John Cho
Anton Yelchin
A massive Romulan ship goes back through time and alters the destinies of the original Star Trek crew.
MY TAKE:
I usually don't like time travel stories, I consider them hokey. But, in this case, the time travel storyline is a stroke of genius. since the damage done to the timeline doesn't get fixed it establishes an alternate timeline for a whole new set of adventures for the old crew.
As far as plot and acting this film is better than the first six Star Trek movies ever were. It lacks the philosophical moments of which I am so fond, however. It is non-stop action from start to finish. All in all, it is a great film.
MY RATING: 9/10
Monday, January 25, 2010
Lola Rennt [Run Lola Run] (1998)
STARRING:Franka Potente
Moritz Bleibtreu
Herbert Knaup
PLOT:
Lola's boyfriend is in trouble. He lost 100,000 deutschmarks and if he doesn't recover it in 20 minutes his boss will kill him. Lola needs to get the money and get it to him in time. But, her moped was stolen earlier that day. What else can she do but start running...
MY TAKE:
This is the first German language film I have ever watched so I can't compare it to any others. If it were American it would probably be one of those quirky, artsy sleepers that nobody has seen but should. It's a very interesting film with a fresh take on an old plot dilemma.
MY RATING: 10/10
IMDb page
Johnossi (2006) [album]
ARTIST:Johnossi
LABEL:
Rekord Music, V2 Music Scandinavia, V2 Music, Control Group
PLAYLIST:
1. "The Show Tonight"
2. "Execution Song"
3. "Glory Days to Come"
4. "There's a Lot of Things to Do Before You Die"
5. "Man Must Dance"
6. "Family Values"
7. "Press Hold"
8. "Rescue Team"
9. "Santa Monica Bay"
10. "The Lottery"
11. "Summerbreeze"
MY TAKE:
This Swedish band has a sound that's not easily classified. It's kind of a blend of indy and alternative with a splash of hard rock thrown in. I bought this one without ever having listened to any of their songs (and I don't usually recommend doing that) but I loved it from the first beat. This is a great band just waiting to be discovered by the masses.
MY RATING: 8/10
Wikipedia page
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
STARRING:Josh Hartnett
Bruce Willis
Lucy Liu
Morgan Freeman
Ben Kingsley
PLOT:
A man gets mistaken for a friend he is visiting and finds himself a pawn in the middle of a gang war.
MY TAKE:
A polished tale of murder and revenge with enough twists and turns in it to keep even a jaded smartass like myself from seeing the end coming. That doesn't happen often. This film is well worth watching.
It does contain some sex and nudity, just so you know.
MY RATING: 9/10
IMDb page
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Thriving Ivory (2008) [album]
ARTIST:Thriving Ivory
LABEL:
Wind-up Records
PLAYLIST:
1. "Runaway"
2. "Angels on the Moon"
3. "Alien"
4. "Hey Lady"
5. "Twilight"
6. "Secret Life"
7. "Long Hallway With A Broken Light"
8. "Overrated"
9. "For Heaven's Sake"
10. "Unhappy"
11. "Light Up Mississippi"
12. "Day of Rain"
MY TAKE:
The lead vocals on this album blew me away. Such a unique sounding voice. The instrumentation isn't unique, but that's okay. Most of the songs are quite moving and memorable. So far I haven't noticed anything overtly sexual on this album. I definitely recommend it.
MY RATING: 9/10
Wikipedia page.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
STARRING:Brad Pitt
Taraji P. Henson
Cate Blanchett
PLOT:
In 1918 a baby is born who is physically like an 80 year old man. As he grows he continually gets younger and essentially lives his life backwards.
MY TAKE:
This is a very touching film about seeing the world through the eyes of someone who is very unique. Benjamin wants to live a normal life but realizes that he can't and has to make some tough decisions. Many asexuals will relate to that element of the story. This isn't an asexual film though. There is plenty of sex involved in the story but fortunately it isn't graphically portrayed.
MY RATING: 10/10
IMDb page
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The desexualization of people with disabilities
The following is a reprint of a post I made on apositive.org back in January. When I made this I was still angry about something that had happened to me a few months earlier so, while the issues are still relevant, I don't feel as intensely about some of this as I did at the time.
After [a fellow forum member] suggested that this topic might make an interesting thread I started thinking about starting one. However, I've put it off for a while because this is a very personal thing for me and in order to really explain what it's like I'm going to have to say things about myself that are very difficult to express. If some of this sounds melodramatic it's certainly not intended to be, but please bear with me because this is one of those things that I can not discuss from a purely intellectual point of view. I'm doing this because I want to help people understand what it's like on this side of the situation.
A few years ago when I was taking a Sociology class I came across a section that discussed sexuality and disabilities. This section mentioned that people who have disabilities are often treated as if they are asexual even though they usually aren't. This was the first time I had ever seen the term "asexual" used in reference to a human being and it wasn't until years later that I started to identify with asexuality myself. As an asexual I don't really understand the importance of sexuality to other people but I do understand the emotional impact of being marginalized so I can relate to how others feel about being desexualized.
Someone who is sexual can probably explain what sex is about much better than I can but, as it has been explained to me, sex is often a unique emotional experience. I've seen several instances where asexuals have said that "sex is just one way of expressing love," and for us it seems that way but for most people it really is much more than that. Some of the emotions involved in sex are not felt in any other type of situation. We may not experience things that way ourselves but other people do and that's why it's so important to them.
It probably seems strange that I get annoyed when people treat me as asexual as a result of my disability since I actually am asexual. But it does bother me very much because it's not really about sex, it's about being marginalized and treated as less human than the rest of the world. I've been marginalized my entire life by my family, friends, teachers and society in general. People don't usually know I'm disabled at first because it's not obvious but when I tell them about it they invariably start treating me differently. It happens both in real life and online. I know people don't try to do it or even realize that they are doing it, but I notice it. And it's very frustrating.
The wounds from this treatment can run very deep. Shortly after I was born my parents realized that I had Cystic Fibrosis and it was emotionally devastating for my mother. She had already lost two children from it and couldn't handle going through it a third time, as a result we never really bonded. My father was emotionally distant anyway so I don't know how it affected him. Most of my siblings were a lot older than me and had other things on their minds, the ones closest to me in age were both boys and we just fought most of the time. Because of this lack of close bonds in childhood I have problems forming healthy relationships now. During my life several people have told me they loved me but I honestly didn't ever believe them.
Unfortunately, going through things like this often turns those who experience it into real assholes (I have my moments). There's a certain intensity that develops inside of us that can cause a lot of problems. I'm usually a nice guy, whether I like the person I'm talking to or not, but sometimes the frustration boils to the surface and the only thing that runs through my mind is, "Hulk smash!" I have more than my share of regret for things I've said and done in the heat of the moment and I spent a long time trying to change myself, with very little success. Sometimes the only effective way to stop myself from unleashing my anger on others is to just turn around and walk away from the situation entirely.
I am learning how to temper the anger and other over-the-top emotions that come up because I don't like being an asshole. These days I usually recognize when what I'm feeling isn't really rational and stop myself from acting on it. I still slip up from time to time though. However, I'm also starting to embrace my intensity because it's the only thing that has kept me alive all these years. It's the reason I get out of bed in the morning and go out and face a world that would just as soon pat me on the head and send me back home with a coloring book. It's what allows me to swallow a handful of pills and push a needle through my skin to inject myself with insulin every time I eat. It has also helped me to get through things when people around me caved under the pressure, the very people who looked down on me before.
The moral of the story is: we may not be normal but we are not lesser beings. We may not be able to do everything that ordinary people can but the fire that burns inside of us allows us to do things that ordinary people can't. And we deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and loved as equals.
Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.
After [a fellow forum member] suggested that this topic might make an interesting thread I started thinking about starting one. However, I've put it off for a while because this is a very personal thing for me and in order to really explain what it's like I'm going to have to say things about myself that are very difficult to express. If some of this sounds melodramatic it's certainly not intended to be, but please bear with me because this is one of those things that I can not discuss from a purely intellectual point of view. I'm doing this because I want to help people understand what it's like on this side of the situation.
A few years ago when I was taking a Sociology class I came across a section that discussed sexuality and disabilities. This section mentioned that people who have disabilities are often treated as if they are asexual even though they usually aren't. This was the first time I had ever seen the term "asexual" used in reference to a human being and it wasn't until years later that I started to identify with asexuality myself. As an asexual I don't really understand the importance of sexuality to other people but I do understand the emotional impact of being marginalized so I can relate to how others feel about being desexualized.
Someone who is sexual can probably explain what sex is about much better than I can but, as it has been explained to me, sex is often a unique emotional experience. I've seen several instances where asexuals have said that "sex is just one way of expressing love," and for us it seems that way but for most people it really is much more than that. Some of the emotions involved in sex are not felt in any other type of situation. We may not experience things that way ourselves but other people do and that's why it's so important to them.
It probably seems strange that I get annoyed when people treat me as asexual as a result of my disability since I actually am asexual. But it does bother me very much because it's not really about sex, it's about being marginalized and treated as less human than the rest of the world. I've been marginalized my entire life by my family, friends, teachers and society in general. People don't usually know I'm disabled at first because it's not obvious but when I tell them about it they invariably start treating me differently. It happens both in real life and online. I know people don't try to do it or even realize that they are doing it, but I notice it. And it's very frustrating.
The wounds from this treatment can run very deep. Shortly after I was born my parents realized that I had Cystic Fibrosis and it was emotionally devastating for my mother. She had already lost two children from it and couldn't handle going through it a third time, as a result we never really bonded. My father was emotionally distant anyway so I don't know how it affected him. Most of my siblings were a lot older than me and had other things on their minds, the ones closest to me in age were both boys and we just fought most of the time. Because of this lack of close bonds in childhood I have problems forming healthy relationships now. During my life several people have told me they loved me but I honestly didn't ever believe them.
Unfortunately, going through things like this often turns those who experience it into real assholes (I have my moments). There's a certain intensity that develops inside of us that can cause a lot of problems. I'm usually a nice guy, whether I like the person I'm talking to or not, but sometimes the frustration boils to the surface and the only thing that runs through my mind is, "Hulk smash!" I have more than my share of regret for things I've said and done in the heat of the moment and I spent a long time trying to change myself, with very little success. Sometimes the only effective way to stop myself from unleashing my anger on others is to just turn around and walk away from the situation entirely.
I am learning how to temper the anger and other over-the-top emotions that come up because I don't like being an asshole. These days I usually recognize when what I'm feeling isn't really rational and stop myself from acting on it. I still slip up from time to time though. However, I'm also starting to embrace my intensity because it's the only thing that has kept me alive all these years. It's the reason I get out of bed in the morning and go out and face a world that would just as soon pat me on the head and send me back home with a coloring book. It's what allows me to swallow a handful of pills and push a needle through my skin to inject myself with insulin every time I eat. It has also helped me to get through things when people around me caved under the pressure, the very people who looked down on me before.
The moral of the story is: we may not be normal but we are not lesser beings. We may not be able to do everything that ordinary people can but the fire that burns inside of us allows us to do things that ordinary people can't. And we deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and loved as equals.
Also . . . I can kill you with my brain.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
STARRING:Haley Joel Osment
Frances O'Connor
Sam Robards
Jake Thomas
Jude Law
William Hurt
PLOT:
In a future where global warming has sunk many coastal cities and childbirth is strictly, controlled realistic looking robots known as mecha make up a sizable portion of Earth's population. A team of scientists decides to create a child-sized mecha that can experience love, and David is born. After problems occur between David and his adoptive family he is abandoned in the woods to fend for himself. Unfortunately, the imprinting in David's brain is permanent and he is driven by a desire for love from his adoptive mother. Believing that the blue fairy from the fairy tale Pinocchio is real he seeks her out so he can become a real and receive the love he desires.
MY TAKE:
Being a sci-fi fan I was hoping this movie would be much better than it is. The special effects are cool and the scenery is beautiful but the story falls flat.
MY RATING: 5/10.
IMDb page
Friday, October 31, 2008
Small Spaces
A few minutes ago I was watching our cat, Inky, staring at the space between the doors on my closet and started thinking about places too small for me to fit. It would be cool to be the size of a gnat and be able to fly between my closet doors.
Imagine looking at the reflection of the woven fiberglass back of one door in the mirror front of the other as you pass through that tiny space. Or flying through one of the holes in my laundry basket and examining the seam in the edge of the plastic. How about flying inside one of my shoes and studying the weave of the fabric lining.
Of course, at that point I would probably start wishing I were small enough to fly through the fabric and look at the thread . . .
Posted with LifeCast
Imagine looking at the reflection of the woven fiberglass back of one door in the mirror front of the other as you pass through that tiny space. Or flying through one of the holes in my laundry basket and examining the seam in the edge of the plastic. How about flying inside one of my shoes and studying the weave of the fabric lining.
Of course, at that point I would probably start wishing I were small enough to fly through the fabric and look at the thread . . .
Posted with LifeCast
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Testing
I downloaded a blogging app to my iPhone and I'm just testing it out to see how versatile it is. I can't do italics or bold text so that may be a problem. I also can't do hyperlinks. I may be able to do those things by using HTML but I don't have the commands memorized. Anyway, this is what it looks like.
Posted with LifeCast
Posted with LifeCast
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Cat People (1942)
STARRING:Simone Simon
Kent Smith
Tom Conway
Jane Randolph
Jack Holt
PLOT:
A New York fashion designer falls in love with and marries a typical guy. But she is afraid to get passionate with him because she believes she suffers from an ancient curse that will turn her into a panther any time she feels any intense emotion.
MY TAKE:
I have seen this film twice and really like it. The 1982 remake, which has a somewhat different plot and a new character, a brother, played by Malcolm McDowell is not nearly as good.
This film has no sex in for two reasons: the era in which it was made and the story itself. The main character's fear of passion keeps her from even kissing her husband and they sleep in separate rooms. As his desires go unsatisfied, the husband's eyes start to wander. Then we get to find out if the curse is real or not.
MY RATING: 8/10
IMDb page
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
STARRING:Ryan Gosling
Emily Mortimer
Paul Schneider
Kelli Garner
Patricia Clarkson
PLOT:
An eccentric recluse purchases a Real Doll, a life-size doll designed as a sex toy, and treats it like a real person.
MY TAKE:
I expected this movie to be about a kinky sexual relationship but I was pleasantly surprised by the story. Lars doesn't have sex with the doll and instead has a very sweet and loving relationship with her. At first his family resists the idea of treating the doll like a real person but on the advice of the local psychiatrist they start to play along and then encourage the entire town to as well. It is in turns amusing and sad. Ultimately, the doll becomes his way of coming out of his shell and expressing his feelings about life and loneliness.
MY RATING: 9/10.
IMDb page
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Crying Game (1992)
STARRING:Forest Whitaker
Stephen Rea
Jaye Davidson
Miranda Richardson
Breffni McKenna
PLOT:
A British soldier gets kidnapped by the IRA, who hold him for ransom hoping to exchange him for one of their own. He befriends one of his captors who promises to take care of his girlfriend after his death.
MY TAKE:
Back in 1992 I was still too conservative to watch this movie but when I saw it on the shelf at the library a few days ago I decided it was time to find out what all the fuss had been about. All these years I have been missing out on this little gender-bending gem!
I already knew enough about the story to not be fooled by Jaye Davidson in a dress so the one nude scene didn't surprise me. The rest of the story, however . . . now that did surprise me. I was not expecting to actually like this movie I was just trying to be more liberal in my film choices. This is one choice I'm glad I made.
There was no actual sex in this movie, aside from an off-screen BJ, but there was one brief moment of full frontal nudity. And the very androgynous Davidson is just plain fun to watch (sci-fi fans will remember him as Ra, the sun god in Stargate).
MY RATING: 10/10
IMDb page
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Us vs. Them
There is an interesting phenomenon that first came to my attention while I was studying Deaf culture in college. It seems the members of minority groups tend to develop an us vs. them attitude about the role their group plays in the larger world. They spend a lot of time complaining about their treatment at the hands of people who are not members of their little category.
I have also noticed this happening in the Asexual community and, as time passes and the community grows larger and larger, this seems to be getting worse. Far too often I come across posts on the forum at asexuality.org that are demeaning to people who are sexual (that's our word for people who aren't asexual). They talk about how sexuals are constantly horny and looking for sex or making lewd comments and telling dirty jokes, as if there is nothing that happens in their day that isn't about their next potential roll in the hay. Even though it only shows up on your computer screen you can almost hear the slime and cooties dripping off the word "sexual" as the say it. The sad part is some of them actually believe what they are saying.
To be fair, it is true that a lot of people do not understand asexuality and their minds reject the concept when they first hear of it. There are even some people who actively try to discredit it, saying that every healthy adult human experiences sexual attraction to someone or something. However, this by no means makes all sexual people the dunces that some aces try to make them out to be. There are a lot of very decent and classy people out there who do not share our point of view. In fact, I would go so far as to say most of them at least try to accept that it is the way we feel even if they don't understand how we can not feel a need for sex.
Fortunately, there seems to be a cure for such hypocrisy among aces. As we spend more and more time with each other and talk about how we feel and share our experiences with each other we become increasingly comfortable with who we are. As our comfort with ourselves and our identity grows we begin to tear down the walls we have built up in our minds that stand between us and the rest of the world. Eventually we reach the point where we can be as compassionate and understanding toward them as so many of them are toward us.
So, when you young'uns first come to the board full anger toward what you see as an over-sexualized world and you see us old folk shake our heads or even reprimand you for making disparaging remarks about sex or sexual people it isn't because we've lost touch with what's going on out there, we've just grown out of feeling offended by it.
I have also noticed this happening in the Asexual community and, as time passes and the community grows larger and larger, this seems to be getting worse. Far too often I come across posts on the forum at asexuality.org that are demeaning to people who are sexual (that's our word for people who aren't asexual). They talk about how sexuals are constantly horny and looking for sex or making lewd comments and telling dirty jokes, as if there is nothing that happens in their day that isn't about their next potential roll in the hay. Even though it only shows up on your computer screen you can almost hear the slime and cooties dripping off the word "sexual" as the say it. The sad part is some of them actually believe what they are saying.
To be fair, it is true that a lot of people do not understand asexuality and their minds reject the concept when they first hear of it. There are even some people who actively try to discredit it, saying that every healthy adult human experiences sexual attraction to someone or something. However, this by no means makes all sexual people the dunces that some aces try to make them out to be. There are a lot of very decent and classy people out there who do not share our point of view. In fact, I would go so far as to say most of them at least try to accept that it is the way we feel even if they don't understand how we can not feel a need for sex.
Fortunately, there seems to be a cure for such hypocrisy among aces. As we spend more and more time with each other and talk about how we feel and share our experiences with each other we become increasingly comfortable with who we are. As our comfort with ourselves and our identity grows we begin to tear down the walls we have built up in our minds that stand between us and the rest of the world. Eventually we reach the point where we can be as compassionate and understanding toward them as so many of them are toward us.
So, when you young'uns first come to the board full anger toward what you see as an over-sexualized world and you see us old folk shake our heads or even reprimand you for making disparaging remarks about sex or sexual people it isn't because we've lost touch with what's going on out there, we've just grown out of feeling offended by it.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Penelope (2006)
STARRING:Christina Ricci
James McAvoy
Catherine O'Hara
Reese Witherspoon
Peter Dinklage
Richard E. Grant
Simon Woods
Michael Feast
PLOT:
A modern day fairy tale about a young woman trying to break a curse passed down to her because of one of her ancestors' indiscretions.
MY TAKE:
One of my favorite new films. It's a cute story with beautiful cinematography and some very good acting. One of the highlights of the film is James McAvoy, whom I first remember seeing in Becoming Jane although he was also Mr. Tumnus in the recent adaptation of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. And let's not forget Christina Ricci . . . (I think I actually had a crush on her at one time).
I really can't think of anything negative to say about this film. It's just an all-around good film.
MY RATING: 9/10
IMDb page
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
STARRING:Heath Ledger
Jake Gyllenhaal
Michelle Williams
Anne Hathaway
PLOT:
Two cowboys meet while herding sheep one summer and begin a secretive homosexual relationship that spans many years.
MY TAKE:
I heard a lot about this movie before I saw it. Some people said it was a beautiful love story, some said it was immoral, and one just said it was sad.
There were a few things about this movie that I liked. For one, the acting was believable and the story did have its touching moments. The mountain scenery was stunning, even for someone like me who grew up in the Rockies. It also portrayed the struggles these two faced as a gay couple in the 20th Century quite well.
Unfortunately, this film had some serious weaknesses. The two main characters were rarely likable, even when they were together. And it was mostly boring, I honestly think the story could have been told in half the time. There was also the sex, which could have been implied rather than shown.
MY RATING: 6/10
IMDb page
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Losing my Identity
Lately I have been reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. In this book, the author talks about our individual sense of identity and how it can create problems in our lives. During the course of reading this book it has occurred to me that over the past few months I have lost, or better yet abandoned, most of my identity. It's like the pieces of the way I used to view myself have been stripped away. To illustrate, a few examples:
Male. Biologically, I am male, there's no doubt of that. Everything from the shape of my face to the equipment between my legs testifies to that. I grew up knowing I was a boy and that boys are different from girls. I also knew what boys are supposed to do and that's what I did. There came a point when I started to question that though. And now I realize that it is irrelevant. I am still male but I do not identify with boys or men (nor do I identify with girls or women). My body has a gender but my ego does not.
Heterosexual/Asexual. Growing up I thought I was a normal heterosexual boy. I liked girls and wanted to have relationships with them. I flirted, I dated, I even talked about sex and told dirty jokes. I also planned on getting married and having kids. But one day I started to question that too. That's when I realized that the attraction I felt was romantic but not sexual. Then I found out about the asexual community and started to identify with that. I got involved with every aspect of the community and was even an administrator on asexuality.org for a while. I even started acting that part too, swearing off sex and looking down on the sexual world. These days that too is irrelevant to me. I still don't experience sexual attraction to anyone or anything so the label fits me. However, that label isn't part of the way I identify. I am asexual but I am not an asexual, if that makes sense.
With all of this sudden loss of identity I should be having some kind of crisis, shouldn't I? I'm not. In fact, it's liberating. I no longer have a load of unrealistic expectations about what I'm supposed to be. After peeling away all those labels I can finally see myself as I really am. And I'm free to be that person now.
Male. Biologically, I am male, there's no doubt of that. Everything from the shape of my face to the equipment between my legs testifies to that. I grew up knowing I was a boy and that boys are different from girls. I also knew what boys are supposed to do and that's what I did. There came a point when I started to question that though. And now I realize that it is irrelevant. I am still male but I do not identify with boys or men (nor do I identify with girls or women). My body has a gender but my ego does not.
Heterosexual/Asexual. Growing up I thought I was a normal heterosexual boy. I liked girls and wanted to have relationships with them. I flirted, I dated, I even talked about sex and told dirty jokes. I also planned on getting married and having kids. But one day I started to question that too. That's when I realized that the attraction I felt was romantic but not sexual. Then I found out about the asexual community and started to identify with that. I got involved with every aspect of the community and was even an administrator on asexuality.org for a while. I even started acting that part too, swearing off sex and looking down on the sexual world. These days that too is irrelevant to me. I still don't experience sexual attraction to anyone or anything so the label fits me. However, that label isn't part of the way I identify. I am asexual but I am not an asexual, if that makes sense.
With all of this sudden loss of identity I should be having some kind of crisis, shouldn't I? I'm not. In fact, it's liberating. I no longer have a load of unrealistic expectations about what I'm supposed to be. After peeling away all those labels I can finally see myself as I really am. And I'm free to be that person now.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Asexual Limbo
I've been thinking a lot lately about asexuality.org and my involvement in it (thinking is a hobby of mine and, like most hobbies, I enjoy it whether or not I am good at it). Lately I have started to wonder if I really belong there, since I don't seem to fit in with the views of many of my fellow members. I don't mean the political or religious views they hold, I mean their views of sexuality.
There are a few reasons why I feel the adjective asexual fits me. Firstly, I don't experience sexual attraction. I do have an opinion of who or what is pretty though. Almost every time I leave the house I see someone about whom I think, wow, she's pretty! However, that feeling stays in whatever part of my brain is responsible for aesthetics and somehow doesn't ever find its way to the part responsible for sexual arousal.
Another thing that makes me think I'm asexual is the word sexy. Will someone please explain this concept to me? I have looked it up in the dictionary several times and, although the definition is written in plain English, it does not make sense to me. Sexually attractive? Sexually appealing? These are concepts that I do not understand no matter how hard I try.
Now comes the part that makes my relationship to the asexual community a bit fuzzy. So many people there talk about being grossed out by sex or feeling that it is too prevalent in our society. This is also something I do not understand. I don't find sexuality offensive or disgusting in any way. There are times when I think it is overemphasized or it gets a bit silly but those times are infrequent.
Another thing that muddies the water for me is the fact that my body does respond to some sexual stimulus. To be quite frank, I can get aroused, even horny. I also have the ability to perform sexual acts and don't even find them distasteful.
So here is my dilemma: I fit the definition of asexual as a sexual orientation, yet I have nothing against sex itself. If I married a woman who was sexual I would have no qualms about having sex with her. And if I married one who was asexual I would be content to never have sex with her at all. So, where do I fit into this whole thing? I'll let you know right after I decide if it really matters.
There are a few reasons why I feel the adjective asexual fits me. Firstly, I don't experience sexual attraction. I do have an opinion of who or what is pretty though. Almost every time I leave the house I see someone about whom I think, wow, she's pretty! However, that feeling stays in whatever part of my brain is responsible for aesthetics and somehow doesn't ever find its way to the part responsible for sexual arousal.
Another thing that makes me think I'm asexual is the word sexy. Will someone please explain this concept to me? I have looked it up in the dictionary several times and, although the definition is written in plain English, it does not make sense to me. Sexually attractive? Sexually appealing? These are concepts that I do not understand no matter how hard I try.
Now comes the part that makes my relationship to the asexual community a bit fuzzy. So many people there talk about being grossed out by sex or feeling that it is too prevalent in our society. This is also something I do not understand. I don't find sexuality offensive or disgusting in any way. There are times when I think it is overemphasized or it gets a bit silly but those times are infrequent.
Another thing that muddies the water for me is the fact that my body does respond to some sexual stimulus. To be quite frank, I can get aroused, even horny. I also have the ability to perform sexual acts and don't even find them distasteful.
So here is my dilemma: I fit the definition of asexual as a sexual orientation, yet I have nothing against sex itself. If I married a woman who was sexual I would have no qualms about having sex with her. And if I married one who was asexual I would be content to never have sex with her at all. So, where do I fit into this whole thing? I'll let you know right after I decide if it really matters.
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